many bells down

An open letter to Tom Cruise (and GQ excerpts)
April 13, 2006, 5:42 pm
Filed under: Celebrity, Magazines

tomkat.jpgDear Tom Cruise:

I used to think you were hot. Smokin’ hot. I wanted to have your little daredevil, we-do-our-own-stunts-and-love-to-dance-in-our-tighty-whities babies. I loved you so much that when Julia and I started the Celebrity Exchange Program (CEP)* I chose you, even though you were married to Nicole Kidman and technically it was against the rules to have a married celebrity in the program, but it just was after Mission: Impossible II came out and you were so damn hot with your longish hair and ripped body and how could I resist?

But then you had go ruin it for me. You had to go all crazy with your weirdass religion and hatred for psychiatric drugs and couch-jumping. I was totally against all of this and totally against you, so I vowed never to see any of your movies ever again! And now I’m pissed, cause Mission Impossible: III has lots of explosions and I like explosions so I’d kind of like to see it, but I can’t, cause I’m pretty sure my $10 would go towards getting the aliens souls out of people’s bodies, and I’m just not cool with that. I hate you, Tom Cruise. I hate you. Why couldn’t you have kept your mouth shut?

Yours truly,


Here are some excerpts from Cruise’s interview with GQ magazine:

What is Katie craving these days?  “She loves cupcakes, okay? I mean, the girl loves cupcakes.” (Apparently, Katie Holmes and I have something in common. And please, please, PLEASE let that be the only thing we have in common.)

How did he know she was pregnant?  “I looked at her. And I went, ‘You’re gonna tell me if you’re pregnant, aren’t you?’ It was a moment where… It was one of those things. And I knew at that moment she was pregnant. ’Cuz I notice things in people.”

Did she take a home pregnancy test?  “Yeah, she did the whole stick test; I think she just touched the box and they all turned blue.” (Oh, gross.)

“Kate” is:  “just cool. She’s kind, she’s smart, she’s fun. She’s a woman who’s not afraid to be a woman.”

Please, let’s not talk about sex.  “Sex for me is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship where you really have communication.”

On Brooke and that pesky post-partum depression:  “I actually really care about Brooke.  The first film I ever did [Endless Love] was hers, and I remember when I was growing up, and not even being in the industry yet, thinking how talented and beautiful she is. And she’s a lovely girl. It’s not her fault; she’s a victim in this situation. A doctor told her to go on Paxil while she was breast-feeding. Paxil is a vicious drug. Here’s someone I deeply care about.”

On Xenu and Scientology’s creation story: “You say this stuff to me and it’s insulting. That’s why I’m not even going to dignify what you’re saying. There’s always a lot of misinformation out there. I’m doing pretty good. Look at the things that have helped me in my life. You hear this other stuff—come on, it’s crap!”

Tom Cruise can get you off heroin in three days:  “I have to say, I’ve always found the ‘if it makes me feel better, it’s okay’ rationale a little suspect. I think it’s appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get off drugs.”

[Photo Source] (Doesn’t it look like he’s smelling her?)

*Yes, we were high school seniors with active imaginations, a love of celebrities and sailboats, and a whole lot of time on our hands.  You wish you were that cool.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I don’t know of anyone hiring freelancers yet, but I will be leaving mine when I start my fulltime job in June -I could put in a word for you?
Hit every editor at every magazine with you resume asking for freelance work. Fulltime work requests makes them want to run away, freelance is sorta no-strings-attached work, know what I mean?

I’ll do my best to help you out. I live in Hoboken now – where are you planning to move? I’ve signed a 3 mnths lease…

Comment by Jinal Shah

This is how to tell you were never a real fan. You believe bullshit media hype, stories that sell tabloids, and make it truth. The truth is that TC, just like Mike Jackson and Bill Clinton and many many more have been victims of media smear which sadly gets eaten up by journalists and fake-fans of all types. It is so sad that probably the greatest actor of our time is being “hated” by people for NO REASON whatsoever. Stop eating what they feed you, please! It is pathetic.

And good job to GQ for that article and whoever did the interview…

Comment by Christian

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